Let's try again shall we?

Oh gosh I feel like a failure. A complete and total failure. I'm not looking for pity here I just do.

I was doing so well and then hit some invisible wall. My head and my heart said "PUSH THROUGH DAMMIT" but I didn't and I faltered. I didn't gain any weight but I didn't lose what I wanted to (by 3 pounds). I don't feel stronger, I don't feel better, I don't feel happy. I feel like I've failed. Not even a little bit but a lot.

February is a new goal. Just do what I can. Do it when I can and how often I can and don't put limits on it. I'm hoping February starts off with a new job offer. This might be what I need. New people, new place, new energy around me. Work has drained me, physically, emotionally just drained the shit out of me. I've cried more days this month than I care to share. I've let it affect my personal life and my professional life. I snap at people who I shouldn't snap at and just hate where I am right now.

To quote Faith Hill, "I don't want pity I just want what is mine." my best possible life.

Thank you friends for loving me.

Food...everywhere

So I sit back and realize that food has been at the center of any family function, celebration, or anything I have ever gone to for the last 20 or so years. I have boxes of family recipes from my grandmother and great grandmother and great other people in my life that bring me back to memories. Why do I mention food? I don't over eat, quite the contrary. I don't have an addiction to food if anything I often have an issue with food. I've discussed this with my therapist and it has something to do with me having to fend for myself as a kid because my mom always worked and food let's face it, helps when you're sad.

I feel I've gone off on a tangent. I must regroup. One moment.......

Okay so the other day I went to a baptism/christening and it was all about the food. I mean it was amazing food but it was just so much of everything and I'd done nothing but look at cupcakes in boxes and a cake all morning so I was starving. I ate too much of everything. I tasted everything but ate too much. I woke up this morning feeling fatter than I have in a while and didn't even go to the gym. I need to meditate more. I need to figure out what I missing. I mean I know what I'm missing a cheerleader who's actually willing to drag my ass to the gym. I love all the love from all over but it's just rough when you don't have someone to go at it with you. I have skinny friends. They're all gorgeous. They don't need to do what I need to do. They don't need to accomplish the goal I've set for myself. I guess I'm just tired of fighting with myself. I need to shut the fat girl up once and for all. She's sitting on the skinny girl inside of me and it's starting to piss her off.

Okay that's it for today. I might have more later when my head isn't so froggy with a million different thoughts.

xoxo
me

Back into the swing of things

Long weekends always make me tense on Tuesdays. I love Tuesdays. They don't usually have the Monday stress people have gotten the "how was your weekend" crap out of the way. Long weekends ruin that. 7 AM phone calls ruin any day. Especially today.

I'm a girl, duh. Every 28 days or so things change in a girl's body. This is not a lesson in human studies it's just fact. Well my 28 days are up and this has put the people around me on high alert. I'm in bitch mode. I'm cranky and achy and just feel awful so getting a 7 AM call about something I didn't do, totally doesn't start the day off right.

Okay enough bitching for now.

I did lose 2 more pounds so we're up to seven I think. two weeks to make January's goal. C'mon scale don't fail me now.

I have been broken and I have slacked

So I've been feeling not like myself for the last few days. I have barely been eating and getting minimal (and when I say minimal exercise I do mean my 30 minutes x 3 days). Last week I kicked ass. I did double workouts five days out of the week and felt amazing. I didn't once stop at a place with a window where someone would hand me food or beverage it was awesome. Then something happened. I still don't know what but it happened. Last night.

I had, for the sake of needing some time with friends decided to go for a drink with a friend of mine. It was fun. I was feeling more like myself. We watched a really bad date play out in front of us. Then I got home. I got home and went to bed. At 4 o'clock this morning I woke up because someone was outside my window with a truck. It woke me AND Kevin, the kitten, out of a sound sleep. I couldn't fall back to sleep so I went to watch tv. That's when it happened. I burst into tears. I mean sobbing uncontrollable tears. The only thing I kept saying was "I can't handle this" to no one in particular (Kevin had fallen back to sleep). I don't know where it came from, I don't know why I did it.

Maybe I'm just letting go of emotions that have been holding me back. Maybe it's just that some bricks are coming down in this crazy wall that is my fat self. Physically I feel good. Heck I dropped 5 pounds already! Emotionally I'm a wreck though, I know I have to work through it but I don't know what IT is yet and that scares me.

I love you guys for your support, love that you keep me on my toes and remind me when I've slacked (Andrea) and love that you can't wait to see the skinny girl too!

XOXO Me

Whoo hooo!

Okay just as a heads up I did not one but TWO workouts today. Once before work and once after work. That's right. I'm badass today.

xoxoxo Me

Today...seems different

So last night I'm having a text conversation with a friend of mine. I really don't understand why people can't just pick up the phone and talk to one another anymore but that's besides the point. I sometimes tend to go off on tangents, please bear with me I always get back on track. So during this conversation with said friend I mention I have to go to bed early because it's gym day tomorrow (today) to which he proceeds to tell me that I should be going to the gym 7 days a week twice a day in order to be considered "hardcore". I don't want to be hardcore, I mean I want to have a less soft core but I certainly don't want to be hardcore. Anyways, I digress. He continues to tell me that while the normal person should work out 30 minutes a day 7 days a week I should work out like the people on "The Biggest Loser". I have a problem with that and the show. I mean I'm all "yay for inspiring Americans to not be fat asses" but "boo for convincing people that it's not going to take work". I proceed to tell this person that I don't have the 10+ hours a day to work out which is the downfall (sadly) of most of the contestants when they get home because life gets in the way. However, this does not deter him and he responds that I don't have a family and only work 8 hours a day so I should have no excuse. Excuse? Really? I was livid. This however has not been the first time a guy has felt the need to "nudge" me. He tells me I should work out before and after work. That should do the trick. Suuuure it will.

I'm going to rewind a minute here....

About five years a go the boy I liked and sometimes well, boinked, invited me on a bike ride. I'm a fat girl. I can run I can not ride but this didn't stop him from wanting to go on one with me. (I must tell you he's an avid, and I mean AVID cyclist.) So I go. I go in the middle of a hot July morning on a 15 mile bike ride. Sweating, huffing, and just generally being miserable all day. I do this because I thought this would get the boy to like me more. "See I'm doing something you like, this makes you like me more. Right?" Wrong. After not speaking to me for two days I finally get a hold of him on the phone. I lie and tell him I had fun to which he says, point blank and I can only imagine expressionless, "I didn't realize how out of shape you were." I was dumbfounded. I mean literally and completely dumbfounded. This man dated me for 6 years, he saw me naked more times than I can count, he knows every ounce of flub, chub, and jiggle in my butt and he tells me I'm "out of shape". My cheeks got hot, I was slightly more than embarrassed and he follows it up with "I guess you need to work harder if we're going to do that again". We never did that again. Subsequently it was a long time before we did anything together again.

So yes, I had a point in there somewhere.....

Oh my point. I was so afraid this new friend was going down that path. I'm hoping through the text waves he sensed me tensing up and ended the conversation by saying he too was heading to bed which I am thankful for. I'd like to know what makes in shape people think that fat girls (and boys) need them to tell us how to work out. It's not rocket science...calories in vs calories out. Cut your calories and you cut your flub.

I did go to the gym today. It wasn't very long (just shy of twenty minutes) but I did go. I do have my gym clothes in the car to change into after work and get the rest of my workout in (40 minutes thank you very much) but it's not because the skinny boy told me to. It's because I told me to. It's because it's my journey not his or anyone else's. You don't have to like it, heck you don't have to read this. I'm not twisting your arm.

Just know that if you are a non-fat person and you see a fat person don't think we want to hear all about how to get into shape. Truth is, it probably just makes us want to punch you in the nose as you eat your cheeseburger.

xoxo Me

What a difference a year....doesn't make.

So a little over a year ago I was ready. I was ready for change. I was ready for it all. Unfortunately life had other plans. Sickness, injury, heartbreak. It wasn't a good year and I'm not trying to make excuses I'm just telling what's what.

So here we go. I have found my passions again. Blogging for one is where I'm going to find the strength to do this. To make the change.

The photo a day challenge I'm doing on Instagram is helping me to realize that little goals will help to accomplish the big goal. So here's to my first little goals which will have consequences should I not meet them as you'll see. The ultimate goal 100 pounds in 1 year. I have it to lose so why not?

January goals/consequences/reward:

• GOAL: 30 minutes of activity where I sweat a minimum of three days a week.  
• GOAL: 10 pounds off of the scale
• CONSEQUENCE: No February tasting party at my house with my girls
• REWARD: Full body massage in February

Here's to 2012!